Scheduling intimacy in Marriage

Does scheduling intimacy sound ridiculous to you?

I once counseled a couple who was struggling with connecting. When I suggested that they schedule intimacy, they scoffed. I got the feeling that they thought it was robotic to do such a thing. Maybe you think the same thing.

I believe it is important to schedule intimacy. The reason being is, I believe our relationship with our spouse is to mirror our relationship with Jesus. Christ commands a husband to love their wife as Christ loved the church and for a wife to respect her husbands (Ephesians 5:33). So, how did Jesus schedule intimacy? He modeled it in the way He spent time with His Father in prayer. Jesus was very intentional about setting a time to speak with His Father, so much so that, He even did so when it was still dark out (Mark 1:35).

Keep in mind that, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having random, spontaneous intimacy, but it is wise to schedule it more as opposed to leaving it to chance. Going back to the fact that our intimacy is to mirror our relationship with Christ, I want you to consider a few implications of not scheduling intimacy.  Imagine if you treated your prayer life, scripture reading, or fellow-shipping with other God and believers, the same way you did with random intimacy with a spouse. What if your mindset was like this: “I will only seek God when I feel like it. I will only pray, read scripture, and build with other Christians when it comes up. I will only be intimate with my spouse when it comes up, like in the movies”.

How sustainable would our relationship be with only randomness, not just in our walk with God but with others, especially our spouse? Is that how God would want our intimacy to be? 



Carl Binger LMHC


(585) 576-1094

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